


Discoveries

by aingeal8c



Category: due South
Genre: Episode Related, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-12
Updated: 2005-01-12
Packaged: 2018-11-10 05:56:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11121261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aingeal8c/pseuds/aingeal8c
Summary: After Flashback Fraser and Ray discover their feelings for each other.





	Discoveries

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Discoveries

## Discoveries

  
by Angela  


Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine of course but the plot is :)

Author's Notes:   
This is the first Due South story I finished, a simple, first times one. I live in Denial when it comes to Season 3 so this is the start of my own little AU. I'd like to say thanks to nona and Evans who answered my plea and betaed this first effort and gave me good encouragement.

Story Notes: Spoilers for Flashback, the best clip show I've seen.

* * *

The thing about a bang on the head is that it puts things into perspective for you.   
  
This was what had happened to one Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP.  
  


Earlier in the day he'd been unfortunate enough to briefly lose his memory due to a blow to the head and, for a time, had forgotten who he was.  
  
As his memories slowly returned, he saw what kind of man he had become and he reflected upon his life.He'd thought about his father's death and not for the first time felt guilty. Part of him still wondered if there wasn't something hecould have done to help. However he also remembered the image of his father telling him that he wouldn't have accepted his son's help.The more Fraser thought about it the more he realised that was true. He had done his father a service by bringing his killer to justice, twice. That was all he could have done. His father's memory had been honoured.  
  
Fraser thought about Victoria and came to the realisation he wasn't in love with her, never was; he was in love with an image, like a poet in love with a picture. She'd almost destroyed him, she'd almost destroyed Ray. Fraser now knew she was darkness and finally he turned away.He also realised he had picked another image, Inspector Thatcher.  
  
Sure he'd kissed her but what did it mean? At that point he was so desperate to explain his superior officer's dislike of him he'd resorted to thinking it must be love.In truth it was Victoria all over again. The Inspector's career would always be the most important thing to her. She wanted to be in control, just as Victoria had been. Both women would never let him be himself, the true him.  
  
He would want to please them, yes, but not for his own pleasure but because he thought it was the right thing to do. In fact thinking about it, Thatcher was the one who acted like the pursuer. He had simply responded the way he presumed he should. There was no way he could truly love either Victoria or Thatcher.They would be compensations. Something that might fill the void in his life. They weren't what he truly wanted. All he wanted from Victoria was for her to never come back and for Thatcher to respect him. That was all. There was no higher reasoning or emotion involved.  
  
The more he thought about the matter of love the more he thought about Ray. Yet this wasn't surprising.Early on in their relationship he had thought about Ray in a romantic sense but these feelings were dismissed as being loneliness. Was it though? As the memories came back he took a good look at all the events they had experienced.  
  
There was the way in which during their first meeting he tipped Ray about the IA Officer, even though Ray had insulted him. It was always Ray he asked for help. In fact, he could only be vulnerable around Ray. He noticed Ray's je ne sais quoi. He'd also noticed the way they had just stared into each other's eyes and held onto each other when he had pulled Ray from the lake. Then there had been the way he panicked when Ray was in the lake. He'd shown that panic in his voice. That was one of the few occasions he felt that emotion. He could laugh with Ray. He teased Ray; he was more comfortable around him than anyone else in his life. Ray let him be himself. Ray wanted him to stand up for himself, against Thatcher, and he did. When they were in the meat locker Fraser allowed Ray to wear his hat to fend off the cold. In order to protect Ray he'd even gone to jail. During the whole carver incident, when everyone else had their doubts about Ray, his belief in Ray never wavered. He could be more open with Ray than anyone before. He told Ray he had Two Axes. Ray was the only person he wanted to go to the cabin with. He wanted to rebuild the cabin with Ray. Ray hadn't asked him to dress up as a woman but he went and did it anyway just to help Ray out. He'd gotten interested in Ray's sports, basketball for example. When they were in the warehouse with Geiger it was Ray he chose to help rather than Buck Frobisher.  
  
Fraser spent all his time around Ray. He went to the station, not just because helping Ray made him feel as if he was making a difference, but it was because he liked spending time with Ray. He even tagged along on Ray's errands.  
  
After Irene's death, even though earlier Ray had pushed him away he still stood by him, tried to comfort Ray in some way. He saw Ray was a good police officer when others doubted it. Ray had saved his life on many occasions and he had saved Ray's life on occasions too. He always had confidence in Ray; he knew he would be there. He trusted Ray implicitly when he had amnesia When Ray mispronounced his name as 'Frazier' he never corrected. He loved the way Ray called him Benny. He loved Ray.......... That was it. He was in love with Ray. It was all so obvious now. He'd finally seen the truth that had been there all along. Alone we're incomplete..... That was true, Ray completed him.  
  
Although Fraser was happier to have recognised his feelings he was not prepared to tell Ray. He was sure the reaction he would get would be a bad one. Still for the first time he felt complete and free inside. He knew the truth now and nothing could take that away from him.  
  
Now coming back from the station after helping Ray with the paperwork relating to Cliff and his many girlfriends Fraser was trying to make sure Ray didn't find out how he felt about him.  
  
"Ray you really don't have to stay at my apartment tonight," Fraser told him.   
  
While he would enjoy Ray's company he didn't want to jeopardise their friendship. If Ray stayed the night certain feelings might end up being confessed and Fraser didn't want the possible bad reaction that might bring.   
  
Ray however wasn't listening to the protests of his best friend. "Fraser, you just had amnesia and a head injury! I'm staying. Besides, Frannie and most of the female population of Chicago'll never forgive me if I leave you alone and you die in your sleep, or something." As if to emphasise the point Ray took his hand off the steering wheel and threw it up in frustration.  
  
Of course this wasn't entirely why Ray wanted to stay. Yes he wanted to keep an eye on Fraser but he also wanted to be close to the man he had now realised he was in love with. It had been an odd revelation. While he was trying to get Fraser 's memory back he found he didn't like the person Fraser had become. This forced him to think about he felt about his best friend.  
  
There was the way that he'd risked his life for Fraser on what a day's acquaintance? And that was just the beginning.  
  
Another clue to that beginning was how he sought Fraser out at the diner during their first, tragic, case.  
  
Then there was the way he discharged himself from hospital when he realised who had killed Fraser's father. Not only that, he went all the way up to the frozen armpit of the North to tell Fraser.  
  
All those events took place really early on in their friendship and Ray did see it as a friendship. They became friends under those circumstances.  
  
He'd felt happy when Fraser had been assigned to Chicago. What was it Fraser told him? The only people who wanted him were in Chicago. Although Ray was angry that the RCMP had chucked his friend, Mountie extraordinaire, out of the country Fraser served so well he was still glad he got the opportunity to have Fraser as a friend, to have him around.  
  
Then there were the things he did for his friend. There was ruining suits by frolicking in garbage; picking Fraser up and taking him home, driving him everywhere. Blowing up the Riv for him and mortgaging his house for Fraser ......when she came into their lives. Looking back Ray didn't regret that action. If it happened again he would probably follow the same course of action, apart from shooting Fraser. That was his deepest regret. Even taking a bullet for Fraser later didn't make up for the guilt Ray felt at what he'd done. Fraser told him they were `even Steven' but Ray didn't think they ever could be. Yet they'd survived. They came out of it still friends, better friends in certain respects. The closeness they shared in the hospital during their recovery was something Ray still thought about and cherished.  
  
Fraser believed in him when no-one else seemed to.Was that why he gave away his insurance money to help Fraser filibuster and save his apartment building, even though Ray felt Fraser would be better off somewhere else?  
  
He got involved in some pretty weird situations for Fraser, from canoeing in sewers to climbing up the sides of buildings.  
  
Yet he didn't regret it. Some perverse part of him enjoyed it.Spending time with Fraser was the most natural thing in the world.While Fraser was annoying at times, awkward, selfish sometimes too, Ray loved him.  
  
This thought had led onto another thought. Was Ray in love with him? Sure, early on in their acquaintance Ray had held an attraction toward Fraser but he couldn't explain it.  
  
There'd been women in his life....Yet there was always something missing wasn't there?  
  
His marriage ended because he knew and Angie knew that wasn't what he wanted. He got married because he'd liked, loved, Angie but it wasn't enough to stake the rest of his life on. Then there was Irene Zuko but that wasn't realistic either. There was no way, no matter how much he might have loved her, that it could ever work. It wasn't meant to be.  
  
Agent Chapin? Well that whole infatuation could be explained away by a head injury and concussion, much like Fraser's.Louise? A distraction. Something in a skirt he thought he might have a chance with. She avoided him these days and Ray had heard she was dating some guy from forensics. Good luck to him.  
  
There was only one person who actually made sense. There was only one person who made Ray feel complete. There was only one person who he would go to hell and back for and it wasn't a woman. It was Fraser.   
  
Ray was shocked by the revelation but the more he thought about it the more it made sense. With Fraser there was a connection he couldn't have with anyone else. He did so much for Fraser. He remembered how he hadn't left Fraser in the wilderness after the plane crash even though he was a survival impediment. Why? Because life without Fraser was unthinkable.  
  
That's why he rushed to find Fraser when Carver had kidnapped him. He would do anything for that silly Mountie. Well there was one thing that he wouldn't do. He couldn't tell Fraser how he felt. Mr Upright Mountie would be too polite to be disgusted but still the reaction wouldn't be favourable.  
  
Still Ray was worried about Fraser, his best friend; he thought with a warm feeling and remembered how he felt when Fraser first told him that.Despite this nostalgia he was snapped out of it by another of Fraser's protests.  
  
"I am perfectly fine now, Ray. You don't need to stay over."  
  
Ray didn't want Benny to know how he felt but he was still worried."Yeah but what if you have a relapse?" he countered.  
  
Fraser smiled slightly, "I'm hardly likely to, Ray. There is no valid medical reason why I should."  
  
Knowing where Fraser got most of his knowledge from worried Ray. "Did you read that in a book `cos books aren't always right. Real weirdoes can write books about stuff like aliens and the pyramids and as long as they sell no-one cares if they're true or not. Just `cause it's printed doesn't make it true. Why do you think newspapers are always in court on libel cases?"  
  
"I'm aware of that, Ray. I know my Grandparents disapproved of certain books."  
  
"Really?" Ray was surprised. Well he was and he wasn't. He had a feeling Fraser's grandparents had never even heard of the Karma Sutra for starters. "Like what?" he asked.  
  
"As I recall they weren't that fond of Jack London."  
  
"What the wolf writer guy?" Ray was surprised by this.  
  
"Yes. They felt he was incorrect in how he portrayed some of the native people. As the Inuit were regular users of my Grandparents' library they were careful about the material they stocked." Fraser explained.  
  
"Wow I had no idea librarians could be so picky." Ray noticed Fraser was about to make a comment so quickly added, "Anyway you've proved your point and I'm not letting you be on your own tonight."  
  
"Ray, Diefenbaker and I will be fine. I am sure he can go for help should I get into difficulties."  
  
Of course `help' with Dief would be anybody carrying a doughnut or wearing a red uniform.Ray knew this all too well. "Does the wolf have a medical degree, Benny?"  
  
"No," Fraser conceded. "But neither do you." Fraser was then assailed with a very interesting image of Ray as a doctor, taking care of him.   
  
Yet before this image could go any further Ray smugly replied,"Yeah but I've got somethin' the wolf doesn't have."  
  
"What would that be?" There were many things Ray had which Dief didn't; a car, two legs, clothes......  
  
"A cell phone," Ray said simply. "A cell phone, which, having fingers and the power of speech, I can use to call someone with a medical degree."  
  
"I see," Fraser conceded again. "Maybe you do have a point."  
  
"Yeah, which means I'm staying over, OK?"  
  
"Okay, Ray," Fraser smiled. "Actually it will be nice to have some company, in case I forget where anything is."  
  
"Benny, you'd have to have lost your mind completely before that's gonna happen."  
  
"Thank you for the offer, Ray." Ray was about to argue again before Fraser said, "I would be happy to have you to stay." In more ways than one he thought. Still this was an opportunity to spend time with Ray.  
  
Ray had realised Fraser had been teasing him again. "No problem, Benny. No problem."  
  
It wasn't long before they arrived at the apartment. Dief bounded up the stairs sensing food would soon be appearing and the quicker they got into the apartment the quicker he could get fed. Fraser and Ray came up behind a little more slowly. All the time Ray was keeping an eye on Fraser for signs of a relapse.  
  
Once inside, with their coats off and sitting down at the kitchen table Fraser thought they better decide what to eat.  
  
"Do you want to order a pizza, Ray?" he asked.Pizza was often the food of choice. Ray even paid full price for them now without being guilt-tripped into it.  
  
"Yeah," Ray was thoughtful. "Tell you what, I'll go pick up my stuff from home and grab a pizza on the way. It'll be cheaper without delivery."  
  
Dief whimpered at Ray trying to make sure he got what he wanted.  
  
"Okay furface TWO pizzas. Benny, you need to talk to that wolf."  
  
"I'm sorry about Diefenbaker's begging, Ray. It's unbecoming for a wolf." And Fraser gave his wolf a disapproving look.  
  
"Hey no problem, but he doesn't get to choose his toppings. He gets the same as us."  
  
"That sounds fair, Ray."  
  
"Yeah," Ray paused for a moment. "Look I better go Ma'll be worried, I'll tell her I'm staying here tonight. What toppings do you want?" Ray got up, put on his coat and got ready to leave.  
  
"The usual will be fine Ray." Fraser smiled at him.  
  
Ray smiled back."OK see ya." And Ray disappeared to leave Fraser to get changed. After-all the uniform was `really bright'.  
  
A short time later Ray returned. Although with the discovery of how each felt about the other it seemed an eternity to both of them. Not that they were going to say anything to their respective friend.  
  
They left the pizza in the kitchen area while Ray took out his nightclothes and overnight bag and put his stuff on Fraser's bed. Ray hoped that Fraser didn't notice that in his haste to pack he'd grabbed an old pair of pyjamas which were looking the worse for wear. Fraser was so observant it was the kind of thing he'd notice. Ray needn't have worried however as Fraser was far too busy admiring Ray's physical charms to worry about what he would be wearing. Ray was also so busy admiring Fraser's charms that he didn't notice Fraser noticing him and they were still as clueless as ever.  
  
They were both broken out of their noticing by an irate wolf that was hungry for his pizza even if his human pack-mates were too busy thinking about each other. Dief just wished they'd get on with it. He had been frustrated that they had been courting for two years and there was still no sign of them mating. Right now of course the wolf's primary concern was his empty stomach.  
  
Finally getting the hint Ray turned. "Okay, furface, we'll eat now. Happy?"  
  
He was answered with an agreeing bark.  
  
As they ate Fraser and Ray discussed the day's events wondering how one man could be so greedy and so clueless. They laughed that Clifford had realised hell hath no fury like four women scorned.  
  
Ray felt sorry the guy. "I just don't get it," he had said. "What ever happened to love and romance?"  
  
Fraser smiled inside; there were certain aspects of Ray which were romantic. In fact the more he thought about it the more he wondered what it would be like to have such attention turned to him.  
  
Ray believed in romance but he also believed in love. He thought about what it would be like to court Fraser. He almost laughed out loud at that thought. After-all hadn't he brought Fraser flowers when he was in hospital after being stabbed by Geiger?  
  
Once they had cleared up and spent some more time talking, as two friends do, they decided to turn in and get an early night. Fraser was tired by the day's events as was Ray who's worry at getting Fraser's memory back had exhausted him.  
  
When they were in nightclothes, Fraser in his long johns and Ray in his pyjamas, Fraser still didn't notice Ray was wearing an old worn pair. He did, however, notice Ray.A slight argument then ensued about who should sleep where.  
  
Fraser was ever polite, "You take the bed, Ray," he suggested. "I'll sleep on my bedroll."  
  
At this Dief let out a whine. He liked the bed better than the floor himself.  
  
"Now, Diefenbaker, Ray is the guest," Fraser admonished. "It is only right that he takes the bed. You're a wolf forgoodness sake; one night on the floor won't hurt now will it?"  
  
Dief whined again, not happy about it, but went to sleep under the kitchen table anyway. He didn't want to anger those who earlier had furnished him with pizza and of course that was Ray rather than Fraser.  
  
"Listen, Benny," Ray began, being equally polite, "you take the bed. You're the one who's had the head injury."  
  
"But Ray you can't sleep on the floor," Fraser argued.  
  
"Hey I did fine when we were out there in the wilderness."  
  
"That was different. The ground was....actually quite soft." Fraser knew this was a lame excuse and Ray saw right through it.  
  
"You think I can't handle a night sleeping on the floor?"  
  
"I never said that."  
  
"No, but you thought it," Ray sighed. "Look, you take the bed."  
  
After a few more minutes Fraser conceded that he would take the bed. He didn't mind, it was a little something he could do to make Ray happy. They settled down and tried to get to sleep.  
  
"Fraser?" Ray almost whispered but Fraser was pretty much awake anyway so he heard him.  
  
"Yes, Ray?"  
  
There was a slight pause."You're right I can't sleep on the floor." Ray admitted.  
  
It was true he couldn't. Whether it was actually the floor or his unrequited feelings toward Fraser he didn't know. All he knew was that the floor was hard and cold and he was uncomfortable.  
  
Fraser thought that Ray might admit defeat. He was glad Ray had tried. Knowing Ray was uncomfortable Fraser made him an offer.  
  
"Do you want to take the bed, Ray?"  
  
"I don't wanna turn you out of your bed, Benny."  
  
"I'll be fine, Ray, honestly."  
  
"Look, I don't know how things are in Canada but here in the United States of America we have this thing called friendship. And being a friend means you let the one with the head injury sleep on the bed. Otherwise their sister makes their life a living hell for letting the guy they want to marry sleep on the floor and suffer."  
  
"Ray, I don't think it matters what Francesca thinks. You are clearly tired and I see the only way you are going to get a good night's sleep is by taking the bed. I can get an equally good night's sleep on the bedroll." Fraser said very firmly.  
  
"Benny...." Ray began but surprisingly was interrupted.  
  
"No, Ray. As you pointed out it is my bed so if you won't take it I'll let Diefenbaker sleep on the bed and I will also sleep on the floor."  
  
Seeing that he wasn't going to win this argument Ray decided to take the bed. It beat letting the wolf get it."Okay, Benny. You win. I'll take the bed," Ray sighed. You let a Mountie save your life they make you pay and pay and pay. Likewise if you save a Mountie's life they make you pay and pay and pay.  
  
So with a bit of shuffling and stumbling in the dark Ray laid on the bed and Fraser took the bedroll on the floor.  
  
Still Fraser could not sleep. His newly realised feelings for Ray were annoying him. He went over and over it in his mind and decided it would be best to admit his feelings to Ray.He knew it would be a risk but there were clues in Ray's actions that suggested he wouldn't be completely disgusted. If Fraser was having trouble sleeping now, if he didn't tell Ray soon he would fall asleep on sentry duty and that might make Ray suspicious not to mention the Inspector angry. Fraser decided the best course of action was to wake Ray up.  
  
"Ray?" Fraser almost whispered half hoping Ray wouldn't wake up.  
  
There was no response so Fraser tried again, a little louder."Ray?"  
  
Again there was no response so this time Fraser raised his voice far higher. "RAY?"  
  
Not surprisingly this woke Ray up who, although groggy, managed to ask "What?!" He was wondering who had woken him up, just when he'd gotten to sleep too.  
  
"Are you asleep?" a concerned voice from Fraser asked. Of course he knew full well Ray was awake, Ray knew this too.  
  
"Well I was!" he replied indignantly. "Do have any idea how hard it is to sleep on this bed? It's an instrument of torture!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Ray." Fraser apologised "I have to admit I don't always use it and in the Territories I spent many nights sleeping on the ground."  
  
"Is there some sort of Mountie rule that says you can't have a comfortable bed?" Ray asked teasing a little.  
  
"Not that I'm aware of, no."  
  
Ray got his bearings and forced himself to shake off sleep. He'd a feeling Fraser wouldn't wake him up just to annoy him. Sure Fraser could be annoying but never that annoying. Once he was feeling relatively awake Ray queried just why he was awakened."So Benny, why'd you wake me up?"  
  
Fraser was unsure what he should be saying. "Well I feel there is something I have to tell you, Ray."  
  
`Right' thought Ray. This was going to be one of those sessions where it would take 20 questions or more to get Fraser to tell him what was on his mind. "Shoot," Ray said casually. Fraser's reply made him regret he had chosen that word.  
  
"Shoot what, Ray?"  
  
Ray felt like sighing again. Fraser for his part was getting more confused and was beginning to question his course of action."No, Fraser," Ray was patient. "Shoot is an American expression." He could see Fraser's confused face now, even though it was dark. "You know, shoot, tell me what's on your mind."  
  
"Ah." came the stock response.  
  
"Don't `ah' Benny, just tell me."  
  
"Umm Okay, Ray." Fraser cleared his throat. "It is quite hard to explain, Ray."  
  
Ray pondered. `If I didn't love him so much......' he thought but didn't finish that idea. He knew Fraser's way of expressing himself was just a result of his upbringing. The very fact he was trying was indicative that this was important.  
  
Ray knew the only way to get Fraser to open up was to keep asking."Fraser! Tell me or I can try to get back to sleep."  
  
This spurred Fraser on. "Alright, Ray," he paused. "Feelings, emotions, are not something I was particularly encouraged to express as a child. Particular feelings I remember were not expressed at all. This attitude has lasted me well into adulthood. But today, when I got my memory back and thank-you for helping me do so, I realised certain feelings. I also realised I should confront these feelings; I have been putting them off for a long time. So I think it is only fair to tell you I have them."  
  
`Well that was enlightening', thought Ray. "Benny!" he admonished. "You wanna tell me what these feelings are?" Ray was getting frustrated and ran a hand over his shorn head.  
  
"Love, Ray."  
  
"Love?" That threw Ray. `Love? What was Fraser doing talking to him about love?'  
  
Fraser felt more confident. "Yes, romantic and deep love Ray. The feeling you get when you realise there is someone `you want to spend the rest of your life with' as you put it once. Being totally and completely `in love' with someone."`There,' thought Fraser. `I've told him, in a way.'  
  
Ray felt some clarification was needed."You've realised you're in love with someone?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
What was Fraser worried about? "So what's the problem?" Ray asked.  
  
"Well it is who I am in love with that's the problem Ray." `Here we go.' thought Fraser, `Now or never.'  
  
"Who's the lucky lady, Benny? Elaine? The Dragon Lady? It's not Francesca is it? Oh god it is Frannie, you ...."  
  
"It's not a lucky lady, it's you, Ray," Fraser blurted out. He had done it. He had told Ray.  
  
`He loves me. He loves me!' Ray was so happy....`Wait better make sure.' he thought. `No sense jumping the gun.'"Me?" Ray struggled to keep the happiness out of his voice.  
  
Fraser didn't notice. `That's it' Fraser thought. `I've lost him he is disgusted, he doesn't understand.' "Yes, Ray, I am in love with you. Now I realise that it is unlikely that you return these feelings....."  
  
Fraser was interrupted by the most amazing sensation. Ray was kissing him. He had got off the bed, lain on top of Fraser and now had his lips firmly pressed to Fraser's. `This is incredible' thought Fraser. `Amazing.' This was what he wanted. `This is perfect.'  
  
Concerned at what he'd done Ray decided to pull back. Their eyes locked on each other. As they did a question appeared in Fraser's eyes. Was it all a dream?  
  
"Ray did you just...."  
  
"Just what?"  
  
"Did you just kiss me?" a slight smile formed on Fraser's face.  
  
"Yeah, Benny, I did."  
  
"Oh," Fraser paused and the smile got wider. "Why?" he teased.  
  
"Why?!" Ray thought that was obvious "Because you confused Canadian I'm in love with you! I realised today I love you, I guess I always have. I don't know what you do in Canada but here in Chicago, people, when they're in love, kiss and, other things."

Mmmmm other things they both thought at once wondering what sort of other things....

Fraser still wanted some reassurance, "Really?"

"Yeah," Ray sounded almost shy.

"Oh," Fraser smiled. "That's reassuring."

"I just admit my deepest feelings and all you can say is `that's reassuring?!'"

"Well yes." Fraser was teasing again. He had never felt so happy. "It's reassuring I can do this..."

This time he reached up slightly and kissed Ray. This became a far more intense kiss than the last one. There was passion and tasting as   
they explored each other's mouths for the first time. People in love kiss, they kiss with love.Rational thought wasn't really taking place   
but real world needs were still there. After some time they had to break apart purely for air and Fraser continued to say what he had before.

"Yes. I was saying, Ray it is reassuring I can kiss you and you won't mind."

"Mind?!" Ray raised his voice. "Why would I mind?"

"That's what you were running from?" Ray was amazed. Fraser hadn't been running to her, he had been running from   
something he couldn't deal with.

"Loss of control is not something I'm accustomed to."

"It scared you." Ray was slowly beginning to understand. The idea that Benny could be scared of something like that...it was scary in itself.

"Yes."

"Then I shot you." Fraser could now hear the guilt in Ray's voice.

"Yes." Then he looked straight into Ray's hazel eyes, the ones he loved so much and uttered something he should have done a long time ago. "Thank you."  
  
Ray was shocked, "You're thanking me?! I could've killed you! I might have....."  
  
"You didn't, Ray. You stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life. I would've left you and ruined your life, No, in a peculiar way I'm glad you shot me." Fraser spoke the truth. Looking back he had behaved appallingly to Ray who all the time had been looking out for him.  
  
Ray too thought about the series of events that led to the thing he would never forgive himself for as long as he lived. "You know," he said. "I still don't know if she had a gun. I mean I saw a gun but I could've been wrong, you know. All I knew was she taking you away from me I guess. It was her I was aiming for, not you. I guess I was in love with you back then."  
  
There was a short silence while the two men reflected on past events. Then they uttered their apology together.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ray." "I'm sorry, Benny."  
  
They smiled. They were always able to communicate by more than simply words. Finally they were truly `even Steven'. Fraser had forgiven Ray for shooting him long ago. The only guilt he carried now was that he'd betrayed Ray. Ray, for his part, had forgiven Fraser for betraying him. The only guilt he felt now was for shooting Fraser, accidental or not. Between them there was complete forgiveness and in time they would realise it. Together there did not have to be any more guilt. Maybe for the first time they realised that. They came together in a kiss and the forgiveness was passed through this sweet and perfect contact.  
  
Once they had pulled apart they spent some time just looking into each other's eyes. Ray decided the atmosphere needed lightening a little. "While we're on the subject, are there any more evil women in your past?" his voice had taken on a light and teasing tone. The kind Fraser loved to hear.  
  
"I have to admit, Ray there haven't been many women at all."  
  
Somehow Ray wasn't surprised. "How many? Just a ballpark figure?"  
  
"Erm," Fraser hesitated. "Well, two, Ray."  
  
"Two including........"  
  
"Yes." Fraser was embarrassed. He had kissed a couple more women than that, and even then hadn't been sure what he was doing, but as to women he had gone further than that with the number stood at two. He hadn't initiated intimacy with them either.  
  
Ray was still trying to get over this revelation. "Wow."  
  
He had to ask, "So who was the other? If you don't want to tell me that's cool, as long as it wasn't....."  
  
"It's alright, Ray I don't have any secrets from you and it wasn't Francesca. It was shortly after Victoria. I was confused at the time. It just happened." To this day Fraser didn't understand it. He tried to forget it.  
  
"And that's it?" Ray wasn't surprised but he had to be sure.  
  
"Of women, yes," Ben paused. "Have you had many romantic entanglements?"  
  
Ray loved the way Fraser put it `romantic entanglements'. He hadn't noticed that Fraser had said `of women'. He wasstill processing the last piece of information. He answered Fraser as he was thinking, "I wouldn't go that far, Benny. I mean I have `you know' with a few, even loved `em too. There was Irene, don't feel bad, Benny."  
  
Ray had correctly predicted more guilt from Fraser but the truth was hindsight was a wonderful thing. He could see Irene and the relationship he had with her in the full light of day. He just had to explain it to Fraser."Yeah Irene. She was great, you know young love. Not that you know what love is when you're sixteen, it's all just hormones. Irene was the first girl I noticed but I don't know if that was to get back at Zuko. Maybe I did love her but it wouldn't have worked."  
  
Ray paused as Fraser slowly digested this information. Then he continued "Then there was Angie, of course. Great girl but maybe we just meant to be friends. Gettin' married was such a bad idea. We were always fighting and blaming each other, it was never gonna work. I guess I was trying to live the way I was supposed to."  
  
"Were there any others?" Fraser asked. He had a feeling there were but he didn't want Ray to think that he saw Ray was a womaniser, because truthfully he didn't.  
  
"There were a couple of women here and there after Angie. Never anything serious."  
  
"What about Ms St Laurent?"

Ray laughed, "Are you kidding?! Louise was a distraction, someone to flirt with. One date, Benny that was it. If you haven't noticed she's   
been avoiding me." Ray changed the subject, "Anyway what about you and the Dragon Lady?"

"How do you mean, Ray?"

"Don't play dumb Mountie with me I know you like her."

"I'm afraid you're mistaken, Ray," Fraser said. "I realise that there was something that some people could interpret as being sexual tension   
between us but I am afraid that's a misinterpretation."

"Oh?" Ray was intrigued.

"Yes. I have to say that my romantic experience with women has been virtually nil. I have difficulty dealing with women. I can recognise   
that the Inspector is an attractive person and we are similar in many ways. However I think my subconscious dislike of her..... Well perhaps   
dislike is a strong word. Certainly there are aspects of her character I find unsettling. I am rather naive in matters of the heart and I   
interpreted my insecurity as being attraction. I can now safely say it wasn't. Most of the `flirting' if you can call it that was on her   
part. I was rather confused about the issue. We did have that one kiss..."

"You kissed her?!"

"But it was wrong. We were on top of a train of unconscious Mounties heading for a nuclear disaster. That isn't a basis for a relationship,   
for love. It might be romantic but those feelings don't last. The way I feel about you, Ray, that's true love. Friendship is always the best   
basis for love. I don't mean the love novelists and poets seem so keen on writing about but true love. It's the kind of love that will last   
the rest of our lives if we are willing. I have said I am a man who believes in a destiny of a person's own choosing but I do believe that   
we came together perhaps because of destiny or a higher power and now I intend to choose that destiny for my own."

Ray was so happy. Fraser had said the rest of their lives! He saw this lasting. As for destiny Ray could see that. Fraser's Dad getting   
killed, him getting the dead Mountie case, them becoming friends. It all made sense and finally they were together.

"I love you, Benny," Ray blurted out.

"And I love you, Ray." Fraser smiled again and they found themselves kissing yet again.

After they settled back once more Ray was pondering something."Ya know I never really thought I was....." Ray stopped trying to find the words.

"What?"

"Gay, homosexual, interested in men."

"Well I have to admit that looking back, Ray I was never all that interested in women."

"You're kiddin' me?" Ray was shocked again. Fraser was certainly full of surprises tonight.

"No, Ray. There have been numerous instances in my youth and when I was younger where I was attracted to men and, occasionally, acted on that   
impulse. I never became that intimate with any of them, but the feelings certainly were there." Fraser stopped himself and then continued.   
"Not as intense and real as I feel for you of course," Fraser added. "They weren't my soul mate."And he did truly believe Ray was his soul   
mate. There was no doubt on that score.

Ray knew what Fraser meant. No relationship he had ever had was going to be like this, partly as this was going to be `the one'. Ray knew   
that. He didn't care how many people complained about honeymoon states and perfect relationships, deep in his soul, he knew he and Fraser   
would be together for the rest of their lives and hopefully after.

"So that's why you said `of women'." Ray realised and he shared his own secret. "You remember I told you I wanted   
all men to stop figure skating?"

"Yes."

"You want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Why? Oh god this is embarrassing," Ray took a deep breath. "Because I got turned on by the thought of men in tights. I was sexually   
attracted to men in tights."

Fraser didn't quite understand, "Why is that embarrassing?"

"Come on Benny! I thought I was attracted to women. Italian Catholic cops have to be attracted to women. So I buried any feelings I might   
have about men way down until....."

"Until you met me?"

"Yeah," Ray agreed. "Any thoughts I had about staying in the closet went right out the window when you came into my life. But it doesn't   
matter anymore, Benny. I'm not gonna deny how I feel."

"I'm not going to deny how I feel about you either, Ray. In fact if it were possible I proclaim it from the   
rooftop."

"We're getting a little too mushy now, Benny."

"Sorry."

Ray thought. "I'd love to shout it from the rooftops too but we're gonna have to be more careful about who we tell and when. I mean how are   
we going to tell my Ma? She'll figure it out sooner or later."

"Ah," Fraser's response to difficulty.

"Yeah `ah'," Ray teased.

"Then you see this as the beginnings of a relationship?" Fraser asked.

"Yeah I do, one that's gonna last a long time, Benny."

This gave Fraser an idea "Well then Ray, what are you doing tomorrow night? I mean technically as it is past midnight it is already tomorrow,  
so what are you doing tonight?"

Ray grinned as it dawned on him, "Are you asking me on a date, Benny?"

"Yes, if you're agreeable, Ray."

Ray laughed, "Oh yeah I'm definitely agreeable but I wanted to do that."

"Ask yourself on a date?" Fraser hadn't changed despite his recent amnesia and Ray for one was very glad.

"No," Ray answered patiently. "Ask you on a date. What do you think of dinner and a movie?"

"I think it's an excellent idea, Ray."

"Then we can come back here."

"And do what?" Fraser asked.

Ray wondered if he was really that clueless. "Use your imagination Benny!" he teased.

"Oh." It took a minute for it to dawn on Fraser. "OH!" he realised with a certain amount of joy. It would involve kissing and...other things.   
"That is a good idea, Ray," he agreed.

"See I have these good ideas but now I think we need some sleep, soul-searching wears me out." And just to prove a point Ray yawned.

"One more thing, Ray," Fraser started and he took Ray's beautiful face in his hands and kissed him. Ray kissed back and they sighed as they   
parted.

"Happy now, Benny?"

"Yes, Ray."

Then they settled down for sleep, happy and content in one another's arms.

The next morning Ray awoke to find Fraser already awake and blue-grey eyes, full of love, admiring him. "Mornin', Benny" he smiled.

"Good morning, Ray." And Fraser also smiled. It was so much better to see each other smiling in the morning light.

"Yeah, isn't it?" Ray was so happy right now he could just stay where he was for a while.

Fraser however had noticed the clock. "Ooooo, Ray, it appears to be 9'o clock. We're already late for work."

"Yeah but as we're late already what's a few more minutes?"

"Minutes, Ray?"

Ray had it all planned. "Well you did have a head injury I can't think of a better excuse to sleep in."

"Ah I see," Fraser replied. "We'll still get into trouble, Ray."

"But it'll be worth it." Ray pointed out.

"Yes, Ray. It will be very much worth it." Fraser said. With that he kissed Ray and before they knew it a few minutes turned into a bit   
longer.

"I love you, Benny."

"I love you, Ray, very much."

Both had a feeling that the day would turn into something very worthwhile. Especially now they had discovered how they felt. Soon they would   
get up and go to work. Ray didn't want to stand in the way of Fraser nad his duty. They were looking forward to other discoveries in the   
future but for now they were content to kiss and lie in the sun together.

  
 

* * *

End Discoveries by Angela 

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